More Cueto, Hidden Disasters, and the Laws of College Fandom

Wow, look at the standings… as always, after just a handful of games, teams aren’t where we expect them to be. The struggles of the Tigers have been well documented – it makes me feel better that BOTH Joe and Terry Nacho agreed with the Nachoman that the Tigers should win their division. A quick glance at the division leaders Thursday night shows Baltimore, Kansas City, Florida, and St. Louis on top. All of these teams were at the BOTTOM of most folks’ preseason predictions! But, less than 1/16 of the season has been played. As performance regresses to the mean, talent (or lack thereof) will out, and Baltimore will nosedive into the depths of loserdom.

If you’re reading Nachoman’s Baseball for the first time, know that I watch a whole, whole lot of National League games. Not only do I follow the (suddenly competent) Reds, I also keep scoresheets for STATS, INC once or twice a week. The American League is rather a mystery to me. I invite anyone with in-depth knowledge of an AL game, team, or event to contribute to the column. In return, you will get an acknowledgement, thanks, and a distinct lack of monetary payment.

I don’t need as much help chronicling the NL, yet I welcome submissions anyway.

This week’s baseball analysis begins with a story that makes me feel nearly as warm and fuzzy as Kansas Jayhawk fans feel this week:

The spiritual impact of Johnny Cueto
I didn’t have time last week to fully express my appreciation for Johnny Cueto, the rookie Reds starter who blew the Diamondbacks away in his first major league start. It’s not just that Mr. Cueto won the game. It’s how he did it – no walks, not even a three-ball count on anyone. Viewers got the impression that he was toying with batters, that he could place the ball within about an inch of his target, and incidentally do so at 96 mph. Mr. Cueto’s mound demeanor channeled the spirit of Greg Maddux, 1996 vintage: go about your business, nothing to see here, everything’s under control.

Cincinnati is a baseball town, right up there with Boston and St. Louis for the passion, enthusiasm, and knowledge of their fans. Thing is, Boston and St. Louis have put good teams on the field over the past decade. Not just teams with good players, but teams that played good baseball. (Knowledgeable fans know the difference.) Cincinnati, on the other hand, has trotted out Jimmy Haynes, DeAngelo Jimenez, Wily Mo Pena, Danny Graves, and a whole host of similar players. The common theme: bad baseball. Pitchers afraid to throw strikes. Hitters who swing for the fences[1] no matter the situation.

Mr. Cueto’s start, along with the inaugural outing of Edinson Volquez, seems perhaps to herald a new era in a historic baseball city. In an offseason podcast, “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons noted that “appointment pitching” has come back to New York: with the acquisition of Johann Santana, Mets fans would likely figure out when he was starting so that they could come to the game, or at least watch on TV. Just as in the early days of Fernando Valenzuela in Los Angeles, people in New York will clear time in their schedules for the purpose of watching Mr. Santana pitch. When’s the last time fans considered a *Reds* pitcher worthy of an appointment? Danny Jackson in 1988? Perhaps Jose Rijo in 1990? Well, for now, Johnny Cueto delivers “appointment pitching” unto the assembled throngs in the Great American Ballpark. I wonder what the attendance will be like when he makes his next home start…


Little things that don’t show up in the box score
Tuesday night in Milwaukee, Johnny Cueto’s second start for the Reds… Mr. Cueto dominated as he did in his first start. But, JJ Hardy led off the third inning with a ground ball single. The pitcher bunted him to second, and then Jason Kendall looped a wee little liner over the shortstop’s head. Mr. Hardy had to hold near second base, so he had barely touched third when the ball reached Reds left fielder Adam Dunn. Knowing how weak Mr. Dunn is defensively, the third base coach waved Mr. Hardy around. He should have been dead to rights – even a poor throw would have nailed him. However, Mr. Dunn couldn’t even field the ball cleanly.

That sure could’ve changed the game… Mr. Cueto gave up a homer in the sixth to go behind 2-1 until Corey Patterson hit his third(!) homer of the year to tie the game in the ninth. You’ll hear about Ricky Weeks hitting a game-winning single off of David Weathers, but it’s unlikely you’ll hear much about the defensive play that could have won the game in the first inning.

Hidden stinkage
In a significant or dramatic victory, often a secondary player’s disastrous performance can be overlooked. As an example, in Mr. Cueto’s opening start victory, David Weathers walked the bases loaded in the eighth inning. Mike Lincoln bailed him out, but his outing could have – probably *should* have – ruined Johnny Cueto’s coming out party. Other examples of under-the-radar disasters:

· On opening day in Chicago, much-hyped new closer Kerry Wood gave up three runs in the ninth in what had been a scoreless game. His batters: HBP, intentional walk, sacrifice, single, double, strikeout, groundout. He still won, as new Brewers closer Eric Gagne was even worse.

· Monday night in Houston: The story of the night was Houston’s walk-off win: Miguel Tejada took rookie Kyle McClellan deep in the bottom of the ninth for the game winner. But why were these dramatics necessary? Because slow-working “closer” Jose Valverde, whom Houston picked up this offseason from the Diamondbacks, put forth his worst of three bad outings on the year. His inning: single, walk, two quick outs… single, double, and lucky out on a great defensive play by Miguel Tejada. Mr. Valverde has so far this season worked four innings, giving up five earned runs.

· Sunday in Atlanta: John Smoltz and the Braves beat Johann Santana, despite Mr. Santana’s Nachoman Quality Start. The Braves led 1-0 when Mr. Smoltz exited the game. They extended the lead to 3-0 in the eighth when Mark Teixeira homered off of Aaron Heilman (who himself had a disastrous eighth inning which truly cost the game). The hidden disaster occurred in the ninth. Rafael Soriano, the Braves new purported closer, came on to protect a 3-0 lead. His inning: leadoff walk (BOUX!), two quick outs, single, ANOTHER walk, and a hard ground ball that Mark Teixeira at first base saved from becoming a game-tying double. Braves win, no thanks to Mr. Soriano, who picked up a save for his efforts.


This disaster wasn’t so covert
An excellent pitchers’ duel between Dodger Hiroki Kuroda and Padre Justin Germano was punctured by the San Diego Bullpen. Joe Thatcher entered in the seventh inning and wished he hadn’t. He allowed four runs on three walks and a hit. After he was mercifully yoinked, major league retread Glendon Rusch tried to calm things down, but his stuff was eminently hittable – four hits and a walk later, he closed out the Dodgers six-run inning.


El Molé’s laws of college fandom
CHAPEL HILL, NC: Multiple internet sources report that, in a disaster of biblical proportions last weekend, 20,000 people died in an earthquake the University of North Carolina basketball team lost in the national semifinals.

On Sunday, El Molé gave up reading the “Inside Carolina” message board. He told me he just couldn’t stand the repeated calls for [Carolina coach] Roy Williams’ job, or the unfair comparisons to Kansas coach Bill Self.

The Tar Heels lost. They played like crap for 15 minutes, made a tremendous comeback, but came up short. SO WHAT, is El Mole’s position. The team had a good run, they made it to the final four. Mr. Williams recruited top talent, coached them through thick (double-digit wins in the early season and in the early rounds of the tournament, a strong showing in the ACC) and thin (the loss of point guard Ty Lawson, which resulted in one – just one – loss.) What’s wrong with that?

But Heels “fans,” many of whom were probably not even potty trained during the Dean Smith era, have jumped on their coach. “We’d rather have Bill Self,” they say. Then, after Mr. Williams showed up at the final openly rooting for Kansas (where he coached for fifteen years), the Carolina “fans” cried foul.

Come now… do you really think that Mr. Williams engineered a loss to Kansas for the purpose of setting them up to win? Is it that terrible to show some enthusiasm, or even respect, for a team that beat you fair and square?

The Nachoman just dismisses this kind of message board vitriol as the product of a society that no longer needs windbag sports radio hosts to bring out the stupidity of the average fanatic. No, nowadays one just posts one’s feelings for all to see, even if those feelings are as far removed from rationality as Voyager I is from the solar system.

But, Chapel Hill native El Molé takes everything about the University of North Carolina personally. In response to the idiots on “Inside Carolina,” he wants to be empowered to revoke fandom privileges where necessary. Barring that, he has come up with the first three of El Molé’s laws of college fandom:

1) Dress yourself for better or for worse. If you want the privilege of wearing your team's gear when you win, wear it after you lose, too. In fact, it's MORE important to wear it after you lose.

2) Stay until the clock reads 00:00. You owe your team that much. If you want to exult in their last-second victories and fantastic comebacks, you can't run out on them when things look dark.

3) Be secure in your fandom. If your coach says something positive about another team, it's not a threat to leave you at the altar.[2] If your program is worth caring about, your coach will care, too.


Good news on the starting pitching front
Here’s a line I’ve been reading for more than eighteen years, and I still sigh when I see it:

G. Maddux (W, 1-0): 7 IP, 3 H, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K.

His Padre bullpen blew up again in the ninth inning, but by then, his team was up by seven runs so it didn’t matter.


These are my kind of do-gooders
In Hermosa Beach, California, attendees at a Little League game were shocked to find game programs and hot dogs for sale from vendors. Come to think of it, there were an awful lot of fans for just a regular kids’ game.

Things got weirder when grown men – no one whom the players or their parents recognized – showed up with their chests painted to spell out the name of one of the teams. Around mid-game, a jumbotron rose from the broadcast truck in center field, revealing the NBC Sports logo and professional broadcasters. Journalists were in abundance, even setting up for a postgame press conference. All these hundreds of strange fans kept telling people how NBC Sports had come to town to broadcast the “big game.” What was *up*?

Though the teams and parents involved didn’t find out until much later, the “scene” was created and carried out by the Improve Everywhere troop out of New York. This group has attained a level of notoriety for their very public, usually humerous group stunts. They’ve spontaneously performed a musical at a mall food court; impersonated Best Buy employees; done a “groundhog day” routine in which the same customers have the same conversations repeatedly in line at a Starbucks; appointed themselves bathroom attendants at a McDonalds; and much, much more. After they create a scene, they summarize and publicize their accomplishments at their website. Check out the recap of the “Best Game Ever.”

What the Nachoman loved best about the writeup was this (slightly edited) comment from an anonymous poster:

“Amazing! Not only using their great ideas to go pantsless on the subway[3], but actually making peoples’ lives a little bit happier!”

A big "Thank You" goes to the Nachoman's college intramural volleyball teammate Alex Werner for sending this link along. I would be very, very impressed if anyone who is not a mid-1990s Haverford alumnus could come anywhere close to guessing the name of our team.

Mr. Sutton seems to give too much credit to a wild pitcher
Sunday, Gnats at Cards… Rookie John Lannan wasmissing his catcher’s glove every which way. He walked the leadoff man on five pitches, all out of the zone.

Nationals color man Don Sutton, who was once an excellent pitcher, made excuses for Mr. Lannan. “That 2-0 pitch way up and in must be setting something up for later in the count.” “First base is open, with none out and a run in. Lannan may be better off not throwing strikes here.”

Call it like it is, Don – this guy was mentally weak to open the game. Either he was too scared of major league hitters to throw the ball over the plate, or he had totally lost control of his stuff. He only got out of the first inning because two hard-hit balls went right at someone.

Then, after a homer and two straight walks, Randy St. Clair the pitching coach came to talk. Mr. Sutton suggested that, “since [Lannan] is controlling his other stuff as well as he is the fastball,” perhaps Mr. St. Clair was suggesting the use of different pitches. You're right, Don -- Mr. Lannan couldn't control his fastball at all, and he was controlling his other stuff just as well.

The worst possible pitch sequence for any pitcher, any time:

Strike 1, Strike 2, Ball 1, Ball 2, Ball 3

That was Austin Kearns against Kyle Lohse on Sunday in the second inning. Lohse isn’t going to blow anyone away with his stuff. He was ahead 0-2. Why not throw some strikes and make Mr. Kearns hit a pitch he doesn’t like? Instead, he nibbled unsuccessfully, and eventually had to come down the middle with a kindafast ball… which was laced to left for a single.

Nachoman, quit yer whinin’.
I complain about Mssrs. Lohse and Lannan, but their final lines looked nice. Lohse: 7 IP, 0 R, Nachoman Quality Start. Lannan: 6.2 IP, 2 R. Time of game: 2:19. Thing is, if either team’s hitting had been better, or even just luckier about where some balls dropped, we might have been looking at a 7-5 game.


Nachoman, ombudsman for the umpires
Now that I’ve officially attended umpire school, every baseball fan I know asks me about any sort of unusual ruling or situation. The Ribbie Reporter, among others, asked me about a highly unusual case in which an umpire reversed a call. Says Mr. Reporter:

“Top of the fifth Saturday in Atlanta, bases loaded for Met José Reyes. He hit a sinking liner into center, which a diving Mark Kotsay clearly caught off the bounce. Unfortunately, second base umpire Brian Gorman is behind the pitching mound because the bases are loaded. That leaves the call to third base ump Bruce Dreckman.”

Actually, the third base umpire had just as good a view. It’s not always the umpire who’s closest to the play who has the best angle… looking from the side, even a long way away, is actually better, because then there's space in the umpire's vision between the glove and ball. The umpire tries to set himself up so that the play is happening right-to-left across his field of vision rather than straight toward or away from him. Usually on this sort of play, the third base umpire has a better angle than the guy at second; and, as you point out, the second base umpire is unlikely to go out from the infield.

“[Mr. Dreckman] called an out, even though it was a pretty clear bounce.”

Yeah, he blew that call all right. Nothing for it. It happens, just like fielders drop popups.

“The man on third retreated back to the bag, while the man on second, who didn’t see the call, raced around third, past his teammate and on towards home. The Braves threw to second and the man was doubled off. Got it? Willie Randolph protested, umps huddled, call was reversed. The umps gave Reyes a single and moved everyone up one base, even though the man on second would have easily scored. Bobby Cox protested[4], noting that the man on second passed his teammate at third.”

Now, I'm not 100% clear on this ruling, because (according to the notoriously unreliable FOX announcers) it (probably) relies on a mlb umpire casebook interpretation. I have not read, nor do I have the opportunity to read, this casebook. Of course I understand the rulebook thoroughly; but the casebook gives additional interpretations and specific examples of situations that I am not privy to. Yesterday I sent an email to Hunter Wendelstedt inquiring as to whether it’s possible to get a copy of the casebook.

That said, here's what I think happened:

Initially, Mr. Dreckman's call stood. Runners are responsible for knowing what has been called. When the runner from second passed the runner from third, the trailing runner was immediately out -- hence, the double play. I couldn’t tell from the replay (and I tuned in just a bit too late to see the play itself), but I will bet that they ruled the guy on second out NOT because he was "doubled off" at second, but because he passed the guy from third.

But, later it was realized that Mr. Dreckman's call was wrong. At that point, the umpires could reverse the call, but HOW? Who's to say how many runs would score? Who's to say that someone wouldn't have gotten into a pickle around third? So, as I understand the ruling,[5] the ball was declared dead as soon as it hit the ground. At that point, the batter had completed his time at bat and was not put out, so he must be awarded first. The other runners would return to their bases. But, since awarding the batter first base forced the other runners, they moved up.

Since the ball was considered dead, the guy from second could have done a naked jig and it wouldn't have mattered. You can't penalize (or reward) players for actions while the ball is dead.

And if that seems unfair to the Braves, consider the other "what if": What if the ball had been thrown away, resulting in two or three runs scoring? Tough Beans. Batter to first, all others return unless forced.

The umps did eventually get the fly ball call correct, but they definitely cost the Mets a run. Could the umpires have done something better to ensure this didn’t happen? The only thing they could have done was get the original call right. Once they missed the original call, the only options were to (a) leave the wrong call to stand, or (b) reverse this wrong call in the way they did. They cannot grab some rum in the dugout and ask Jobu exactly what He thought would have happened on the play.


Yay, they got this one exactly right
Later that afternoon in San Diego, Padres catcher Josh Bard dived into the dugout, making a tremendous catch on a popup. The catch was allowed, because his feet were in live-ball territory. But, the rules state that if a player falls out of play after a catch, all runners are awarded one base. The umpires correctly told the runner on third to stroll home.


A rare interesting in-game interview
Fox Sports Cincinnati managed to get retired umpire Bruce Froemming to talk for an inning in the booth. Mr. Froemming was a guest of honor one morning when I was at Umpire School; in the booth he showed the same good speaking presence that he did for us. How good? So good that he shut up when the ball was hit so that the announcers could call the game. (He even chimed in with a bit of play-by-play.)

The Reds announcers should be credited, too, for asking good questions: Do established hitters get more calls than rookies? [No.] Has the strike zone changedin your 50 years of umpiring? [No.] What do you think of questech? [It’s grown on him.]

Mr. Froemming, as you would expect, showed tremendous knowledge of baseball. He could recall all kinds of obscure players from 20 or 30 years ago. He commented intelligently on the Brewers and Reds hitters, comparing them to others he has seen. How intelligently? Right after he loftily praised Ryan Braun, Mr. Braun fouled off five pitches and then pumped a homer to center field.


This week’s incidence of ESPN throwing its weight around
As reported in The Big Lead, ESPN’s Andy Katz was in charge of selection for a national award sponsored by the United States Basketball Writers Association. This award usually goes to a university’s sports information director, someone who “services or helps basketball writers throughout the course of a year.” Except, this year, Mr. Katz successfully nominated two ESPN media relations folks, including Mr. Katz’s own publicist. According to John Feinstein, many of the association’s general membership were perturbed at the appearance of nepotism.

And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to…
…The NPP committee, for their monumental efforts to bring peace to the world.

This week’s thing that ESPN actually does right
Just like so many websites, espn.com includes a daily poll of its readers. Ho, hum. The question is usually banal (“Do you believe Roger Clemens”), and overly cute (Who had a worse weekend, the guy who lost the championship or the guy who was dumped by his celebrity girlfriend?). But because of their quirky way of presenting the results, even silly polls can become interesting.

If you vote, the site pops up a window with a map of the United States. Each state is colored based on the most common answer to the poll question. Mousing over a state brings up a more detailed summary of that state’s total number of responses and each answer’s popularity.

On Monday morning, the ESPN poll question was, obviously, “Who will win the NCAA championship game?” Checking the map was like watching presidential election returns, except a lot more fun.[6] As you would expect, in Kansas, 82% think Kansas will win, to 18% for Memphis. In Tennessee, it’s exactly 82%-18% the other way. This data includes a significant sample size – just under 4000 votes in each state. Worldwide[7], Memphis led 59%-41%. Only four of Kansas’s border states and the Dakotas believed in the Jayhawks. Oh, and, for some reason, Alaska.


Reader comments
The NachoGrandpa reports that, despite my claims in my opening day column, Carl Lindner was not a member of the NachoGrandpa’s synagogue. In fact, Mr. Lindner is not even Jewish – he’s Baptist. Yet, Mr. Lindner *did* in fact donate to the synagogue, and (according to the NachoGrandpa) to many other generally Jewish causes.

Next week
Improv Everywhere secretly arranges to send enormous numbers of fans to a Florida Marlins game, making the players feel like true major leaguers. Let's just hope this event doesn't turn pantsless.


[1] And miss
[2] Nachoman’s note: Rule 3 does not apply to Nick Saban.
[3] Which the group does annually: Here’s a link to no pants 2k8.
[4] Of course
[5] i.e. I'm not positive here, but making a very educated guess
[6] There were even “blue states” and “red states” – blue for Memphis, red for Kansas.
[7] Yes, truly worldwide – of 168,000 votes, 34,000 were outside the USA. The overseas vote matched the domestic vote precisely.

Mario's miracle -- by the Ribbie Reporter

I'm a huge Kansas and Kansas City fan. That's why I go by the Ribbie Reporter (because of KC's wonderful BBQ ribs). Here is a short synopsis of Monday night, with a much lengthier post of my thoughts included right below it. This is the body of an e-mail I sent to the Nachoman.

I was truly crushed at the thought that we'd let the game get away, only to have us launch this furious comeback. I've seen these comebacks before. They never work. So I was just sitting there, morosely watching this futile attempt at a rally. And then, lo and behold, the rims closed for Memphis, the shots fell for us, and we had a chance to tie the game with 10 seconds remaining and the ball in our hands. But I'd seen this before, in 1997 and 2003. The comeback always falls just short. But this year, on the 20th anniversary of Danny and the Miracles (the Burnt End Bomber was at that game, while I, at 18 months, supposedly watched part of the game at home with my mom), the comeback worked. The shot went through. This time it was Mario's Miracle. And now we're the champs.

What do you do when your dream comes true? -- by the Ribbie Reporter

The Kansas Jayhawks are the national champions. Wow. I can’t believe I finally get to write and say that.
If you read this blog on a regular basis, you know that I’m a huge homer for the Royals and the Jayhawks. In 2002, as a shy Woodberry freshman, I ran my Kansas flag up the Woodberry flagpole to celebrate our trip to the final four. This year I dug the flag out of a corner in my room and sent it to my brother, a Woodberry senior, by overnight mail (it was expensive, but well worth it). The flag made an appearance Sunday morning to remind WFS's 100 North Carolina students exactly how the throwdown between KU and its old coach had turned out. Perhaps we can get the Nachoman to add his thoughts on the flag and its appearance.
To be honest, I don’t even know how to describe Monday night’s game against Memphis. Much of it already seems like a blur. Let’s see if I can break things down in a more or less organized fashion.
First half: Kansas did an excellent job on the defensive end. Coach Bill Self knew that Memphis stars Chris Douglas-Roberts and Derrick Rose were going to get the majority of the touches, so the Jayhawks turned a rotation of guards loose on the those two players. Sherron Collins and Russell Robinson did a great job limiting Rose, who makes the Memphis offense click by driving to the basket and either drawing a foul, getting a lay-up or kicking the ball out for an open jumper. To counter this plan, Robertson and Collins worked to take away Rose’s drive and make him dump the ball off 25 or 30 feet away from the basket. This forced Memphis out of its usual free-wheeling offense and into a slower, more traditional half-court style. On the offensive end, Kansas did an excellent job of getting the Memphis big men Dorsey, Dozier and Taggart into foul trouble. At the same time, they got a handful of easy baskets in the paint but missed a bunch of shots from behind the arc. Kansas by five at the half. I spent the first five minutes shaking… literally shaking from anxiety! I was convinced that I was going to have an ulcer.

Second half: Here’s the problem with the Kansas team: we have a bunch of great players, but we don’t’ have someone who is going to be an NBA superstar. In fact, I don’t know if any of our players will even be all stars in the future. Derrick Rose is a future all star, and during the second half he just took over. We couldn’t do anything to stop him during the last 15 minutes of the game. He was making unbelievable shots, finding the open man – even banking in a three (later changed to a two because his foot was over the line) while falling down as the shot clock expired. In the meantime, my ulcer was growing progressively worse. I was having terrible flashbacks to all of the Kansas choke jobs I’ve seen in the last 10-15 years. Memphis led by nine with 2:12 left to play… I was sitting on my bed with my head in my hands while my roommates and girlfriend removed sharp objects and all potential projectile objects from my reach.
Let’s be honest. This game was over. Even after Darrell Arthur dropped in a turnaround jumper with 2:08 left, we were still going to have to foul and pray. That’s when all hell broke loose. Memphis knew Kansas was looking to foul, yet they couldn’t even get the ball in bounds! Kansas has three guards (Robinson, Mario Chalmers and Collins) who are great ball hawks. Sure enough, Collins grabbed the ball, fired it inside, and then took a kick-out and nailed the three (ah, so there’s that three point shooting we were missing earlier). Despite the three, Kansas would probably need to foul down the stretch.

I don’t need to remind everyone how bad Memphis has been at free throw shooting this year. Enough has been said on that subject. But let’s put it this way: In 2003, when Kansas lost to Syracuse 83-80 in the national title game, the Jayhawks went something like 13-30 on their free throws. The next year, Woodberry basketball coach Brent Bell started a practice drill called Jayhawk. Players had to shoot a one-and-one. Make both shots, and you stood aside. Miss the first and you ran 18 lines. Make one and miss one meant nine lines. Anyway, Kansas missed their first free throw Monday night and made the next 14, including every single one in overtime when Memphis was trying to rally. Memphis, at the end of regulation, saw the wheels fall off. Douglas-Roberts missed a pair with 16.2 seconds left and Kansas Down two. That pair came after he missed a short bucket with 30 seconds left, only to be bailed out when Collins tried to make a miraculous lay-up in traffic with two Memphis defenders in front of him. Amazingly enough, KU didn’t get the rebound after the second miss, and Rose got a chance to ice the game with 10 ticks remaining. He missed the first and made the second, allowing Mario Chalmers to launch what is sure to become one of the most famous shots in NCAA history. Tuesday morning, Mr. Bell e-mailed me. The “Jayhawk” drill will be called “Memphis” when WFS starts practice next year.

Chalmers’s shot, for all intents and purposes, finally exorcised the choke demons that have plagued KU since 1988. When it went up, I immediately thought about the 1997 Sweet 16 loss to Arizona, when Jacque Vaughn missed what would have been the tying three pointer from almost the same spot. I thought about 2003 (yes, the shot was still in the air… these thoughts were rather rapid) when Michael Lee’s three pointer to tie was swatted out of bounds by Hakim Warrick with two seconds left. This time, the shot dropped, and I let out a rather primal yell before collapsing onto my bed in a heap. I spent the commercial break before overtime doing something that was half laughing and half crying. Then I drank a beer (only my second of the night… I was too nervous to drink more) in the hopes that having something to do would distract me (Hah! Fat chance!). All my life, I’ve watched great Kansas teams fall behind, launch a furious comeback and come up just short. This time, the comeback actually worked.

How do you top a shot like that? When you’ve seen so many great teams upset in the early rounds or finally knocked out at the final moment, what do you do when the win finally comes? Intellectually, I know that shot only happened because Memphis pulled a massive choke job by missing all those free throws. I don’t care. Those last two minutes of basketball were brilliant. The Arthur bucket that cut it to seven was a flawless low post move. The steal and three pointer off the inbound were picturesque. And the Chalmers three was the dagger that really finished things off.

It’s no surprise that Kansas ran away in overtime. Memphis was gassed and had nobody left to guard Arthur and Darnell Jackson down low after Dorsey fouled out in the last two minutes. I had a minor heart attack when the Tigers cut the lead down to three with 55 seconds remaining, but after we pushed the lead out to five and got a stop I was finally able to start a long-awaited celebration.

Kansas didn’t have the best individual players in that game. We don’t have anyone who can compare to Michael Beasley, Derrick Rose or even Stephen Curry. But this time, at long last, we had the best team. We had a nasty lineup of hulking big men and a collection of ball hawking guards who could shoot, drive and play some defense.

The shot went down, and I can only hope that yell I let out means I’ll never have another flashback to the heartbreaking losses of my childhood. And I hope that my brother safely retrieved the flag from the flagpole. I think that thing is now officially a family heirloom.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Bobby, Dusty, Joe West, and a duck

(Above: The Bullpen Stinkage Spectrum. See text.)

The intention this week was to lead the column with a brief summary of Thursday night’s Albemarle High School varsity baseball game, where the Nachoman had the plate. Problem is, for the second time this week, my game was rained out. In pro ball, where copious money is at stake, teams have significant financial incentive to get a game in, even in monsoon conditions. Umpires are under orders to finish a game unless they see an ark floating by. At the high school level, though, incentives work in the other direction. In rural Virginia, teams have to drive an hour or two to get to their away game. They don’t want to go through the trouble (and the expense) if it’s likely that the game won’t be played. No one, not spectators, umpires, or players, really wants to play in a downpour. So games are cancelled on even the credible threat of rain. Good thing, too, as it’s raining in my classroom already.[1]

Since I wasn’t umpiring this week, I got to watch a good bit of baseball. I know that both of my readers want to hear what I have to say about…

The difference between radio and television
I watched the pregame for the inaugural game at the new park in Washington with ESPN on mute; simultaneously, I listened on Nationals radio. The Gnats starting lineup was introduced with mightily over-the-top praise for each player[2] while the theme from the Magnificent Seven played in the background. A DC-native opera star gave a vibrato-heavy performance of the national anthem. President Bush received a dramatic introduction. He delivered the ceremonial first pitch, which was a perfect strike according to the home team radio pimp. The Nachoman, though, knew different – ESPN clearly showed the pitch to be above head level.

The 8:05 scheduled start actually started at 8:20. The radio pimp noted dramatically that we should all remember where we were for the first pitch at the new stadium. So I have now added to my list of momentous events in American History:

· On February 22, 1980, I watched from my living room as the US hockey team beat the Soviets.[3]
· On January 28, 1986, when the space shuttle blew up, I watched from my living room couch with strep throat
· On Sepetember 11, 2001, I worked in my classroom and initially pooh-poohed reports that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center. ("So what?" I thought. "Probably some drunk idiot in a Cessna.")
· And now, on March 30, 2008, I watched from the living room couch as President George “Curly W” Bush inaugurated Nationals Ballpark To Be Given A Corporate Name Later. Whoopie.

All I actually remember about this momentous occasion was the ESPN graphic noting that the cost of Nationals Park was $611 million. That’s $2 per American citizen. Me, I’d rather keep my 16 bits and let Ted Lerner pay for his own toys.


The next candidate for Steve Sax / Chuck Knoblauch disease
First inning, Opening Day in Cincinnati, the D-Backs second batter hit a hot shot to third base. Edwin Encarnacion picked it clean. With plenty of time, he threw a lollypop high ­to first, causing the first baseman to come off the bag. Result: E-5, one unearned run in the inning in an eventual 4-2 Reds loss.

I mention this because it seems that Mr. Encarnacion has had this trouble for several years. He makes quick, difficult throws easily. However, if he has time, fans hold their breath. Sound familiar? That was the same problem faced by eventual Yankees Steve Sax and Chuck Knoblauch late in their careers. Now, I recognize that Mssrs. Sax and Knoblauch were second basemen, who routinely screwed up throws that the Nachoman could make in his sleep. But I put it to you: is a third baseman eligible to have Sax-Knoblauch syndrome?


This is Bobby Cox’s fault
Monday night final from Atlanta: Pirates 12, Braves 11 (12 innings). The line score tells a deeper story. The Braves led 4-2 after five innings. Then the Pirates scored 7 runs to lead in the 9th. But, the Braves rallied with 5 in the 9th to tie. The game was scoreless until the 12th, when the Pirates scored 3; Atlanta managed to respond with 2 in the bottom of the 12th, but that was it.

Take a look at the box score, which gives further incriminating details. Atlanta manager Bobby Cox used 22 of the 25 players on his roster. That was not necessarily the problem, especially in a long extra-inning game. It’s the pitching lines that should cause Atlanta fans to groan.

Everyone associated with the Braves would place their bullpen somewhere along a spectrum running from “unproven” to “shaky” and all the way to “stinky.” On Monday, starter Tom Glavine managed only five strong innings. Mr. Cox was tasked with manipulating his relievers to hold a two-run lead. He sent Chris Resop (career ERA 5.56) out for the sixth, causing the lead to shrink by a run. Mr. Resop came out to begin the seventh, but was replaced after warm-ups by Will Ohman.[4] Mr. Ohman faced two batters before being replaced by Peter Moylan; two more batters later, Royce Ring came in to finish off the inning.

Okay, you say, the Nachoman is simply perturbed at Mr. Cox for making three pitching changes in the same inning. Of course I’m angry about that – I hate baseball games that drag on. What truly maddens me, beyond mere personal begrudgement, is that I don’t think it is even good strategy to use pitchers for short stints, except perhaps on rare occasions. The small advantage that might be gained by a platoon advantage or man-on-man matchup I think is outweighed by upsetting the rhythm of a pitcher. I would like to see some stats on how a reliever performs as a function of number of batters faced. My hunch is that performance might peak with the third to sixth batter. Anyone want to do the research?

Anyway, Bobby’s urge to burn relievers came back to haunt him later. In the 12th, he was forced to resort to Blaine Boyer, whose experience numbered 42 major league innings over three seasons. The result: leadoff hit, sacrifice, walk, three run dinger.

Come on, Nachoman, you say. Quit yer whinin’. Mr. Boyer was on the roster, Bobby’d be stupid not to give him the ball occasionally. What better time than in an extra inning game?

Right, right, I’m not even knocking Bobby for using Mr. Boyer. I’m just sayin’ two things here:

1. Bobby would have presented himself with MORE CHOICES in extra innings had he used his relievers for as long as they were effective. I mean, what if the game had gone 13 or 14 innings?
2. Warming up a pitcher for a third of an inning, possibly burning him for action on the following day, seems awfully wasteful to me. The Braves had a Tuesday off day, so Monday's bullpen wastage didn't have much effect. But Bobby did the same thing on Wednesday, using multiple relievers for short stints. Then in extra innings Thursday night, Chris Resop played in the outfield for a while so that enough pitchers would be available.
3. Having gone to Umpire School, I’m obliged to criticize Bobby wherever possible, because he returns the favor to the umpires. (I also learned that it is legal for a pitcher to leave the mound, assume another defensive position, AND return to the mound once per inning.)


Some subtle advertising you may have missed
The plate umpire for Pittsburgh-Atlanta on Monday night was long time veteran Joe West, country singer and designer/peddler of “West Vest” protective gear for umpires. (You can check out both of Mr. West’s pastimes at www.joewestmusic.com and www.umpirejoewest.com.)

On a cold evening in Atlanta, Mr. West wore an overcoat, but not over the usual umpire’s black shirt. His coat showed the top of his chest, 1970’s style, so that we would expect to see John Travolta-style exposure. But, of course, Mr. West wore a West Vest chest protector, much of which, including the giant “W” logo, was obviously visible. I guess only other umpires would consider such attire an advertisement, but that’s what it was…


Moderately amusing offbeat news story of the week #1
From the Idaho Statesman:

A 35-year-old Boise man accused of throwing a McDonald’s hamburger at another motorist during a “road rage” incident on Tuesday night is charged with misdemeanor battery and resisting arrest.

Mmmm… so, if the Nachoman manages to enrage a driver in the Taco Bell parking lot… FREE TACOS!


What this baseball executive really meant to say…
"With Barry Bonds gone, this is a club at the beginning of a new era." -- Peter Magowan, president, SF Giants

“With Barry Bonds gone four years ago, he and his entourage banishéd from the clubhouse, and the money they paid him suitably reinvested in developing players, this is a club that COULD HAVE BEEN at the peak of their new era right now.” -- the Nachoman


Am I on drugs without knowing it?
I’m watching the Arizona broadcast of the Diamondbacks against the Reds in Cincinnati. They’re interviewing Mr. Redlegs in the booth. Mr. Redlegs, for the uninitiated, is the Reds mascot with the enormous baseball for a head.[5] Interview topics included Mr. Redlegs’ opinion on a called strike three; the legitimacy of the mascot rooting openly for the home team in the visitors’ broadcast booth; Mr. Redlegs’ resemblance to Mr. Met; and the apparent behind-the-scenes feud between Mr. Redlegs and Mr. Red.

Even Burrito Girl, who proudly proclaims her ignorance about all things baseball, asked the question: HOW CAN THEY INTERVIEW A MASCOT WHO CAN’T TALK?

Well, to the Diamonbacks announcers’ credit, they carried off a difficult gig on this day. Although the Nachoman has been known to yell at the television during a Monday Night Football celebrity visit, the Mr. Redlegs interview was so surreal it became amusing. I mean, why not… in a sparsely attended day game on the third day of the season, why not get a bit silly for a half inning? Kudos especially to the play-by-play man for actually keeping focus on the game while Mr. Redlegs mimed; and a round of applause goes to the director, who showed Mr. Redlegs’ antics while still showing every bit of game action.


More to the point, is Dusty Baker on drugs?
Rookie Johnny Cueto put on a pitching clinic for seven innings Thursday in his major league debut. I watched with my jaw in my lap. Understand that for two decades or more I have watched the Reds bring up much-hyped young fireballers to make their first starts. In virtually every case, the gentleman in question has walked the leadoff hitter along with about five more batters before giving up the ghost around about the fourth inning. You’ll forgive me if I was skeptical about Mr. Cueto’s debut.

This 22-year-old turned out to be more than merely a nervous ball of unfulfilled expectations.[6] Even though he started last year in single-A, he was more than ready for prime time. Against the team the Nachoman picked to win the NL West, Mr. Cueto pitched perfect ball through five innings. He allowed one hit – a home run to Justin Upton – no walks, and ten (count ‘em – 10!) strikeouts. More important, Mr. Cueto did not fool around. He threw strikes all day. Even the balls were usually just off the corners. When he got ahead 0-2 or 1-2, he didn’t “waste” a pitch. No indeed, he usually sent in a nasty, diving change-up right on or just barely off of the corner. His mechanics seemed under control. Though he was blowing 96 mph heat by D-back after D-back, Mr. Cueto never looked like he was giving more than cruise control level effort. Whenever folks complain that the Nachoman lacks an aesthetic sense, I note that my perception of beauty is simply different from theirs. Most people like ballet, or Renaissance paintings; I appreciate good pitching.

After seven innings, the Reds (having left ten men on base) led 3-1. Mr. Cueto had thrown 92 easy-looking pitches. So, obviously, I guess, Dusty Baker yoinked his dominant starter in favor of David Weathers. Probably Mr. Baker could hear the Nachoman rending garments, even across the 500 mile distance.

I might need to remind those of you who were not as traumatized as I of the recent history of the Reds bullpen. No Nasty Boys these… I can’t remember whether they cost the Reds 30 or 40 games last year. When these folks came a-trotting in, true Reds fans either changed the channel or buried their heads in the couch cushions.

Sure enough…

Mr. Cuerto went to a 3-ball count maybe – MAYBE – once all night. David Weathers, however, walked the second batter he faced. And the third. And the fourth. He gave way to Mike Lincoln (career ERA 5.15) and angry boos from the home crowd. Mr. Lincoln allowed a sac fly, but escaped the jam.

Next, Francisco Cordero entered and retired the side 1-2-3 – but went to 3-ball counts on two of his three hitters. I was nervous and antsy throughout the bullpens’ exploits on Thursday, while the 22-year-old first-time starter had me relaxed, enjoying a masterful performance. Now, it’s a good thing I’m not the Reds owner or GM, because I propose a two-pronged plan for this staff:

1. An inverse-decimation[7] of the bullpen, and
2. The appointment of Johnny Cueto as pitching coach.



Moderately amusing offbeat news story of the week #2
Fox News reports that a Sydney, Australia man called police for help because he was being raped by a wombat.

Thing is, no fewer than *three* sports websites used this story this week. What does that say about sports fans? And me, for reading these sites?


You don’t say?
Regarding Wombat Man, “Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in [Wombat Man’s] life.”


Fox News, is Jerry Springer your head writer?
Now, I’m not one to pick on Fox News in particular, but this must say something about their readers. Among the “most read” stories on the side of the screen:

Man Faces Charges for Having Sex With Picnic Table
Lawsuit: Huge Atom Smasher Could Destroy World
Kate Bosworth Gets Drunk to Shoot Love Scene, Can't Remember It
Pop Tarts: Miley Cyrus: 'Faith Keeps Me Grounded'
Teen's Underwear Dance at McDonald's Leads to Robbery, Assault Arrest
Lawyer: Woman Forced to Remove Nipple Rings at Airport


More shocking, shocking news
Mike Hampton of the Braves was scratched just before Thursday’s scheduled start because he felt discomfort while warming up.


A cautionary tale of opulence and stupidity.
In Boca Raton, Florida, the former haunt of the Nachoman, the captain of the West Boca High School cheerleading squad died of complications during breast augmentation surgery. See the article here from the Palm Beach Post. I will not at all go into angry social commentary about the vapidity of life in Boca Raton, other than to note that I do *not* live there anymore, and for good reason. However, I will include two quotations from the article, and let my readers draw their own scary conclusions, these being that Boca Raton should be leased to the US Air Force for nuclear testing:

1. “In her reserved "senior" parking spot, the one where she parked her white Lexus every school day, friends placed more flowers, teddy bears and pictures.”

2. Kuleba was beloved by classmates at West Boca High, more than 400 of whom gathered outside the school Sunday night for a candlelight vigil…Organizers charged $1 for each candle at the vigil -- money that will be given to Kuleba's family for expenses.

Now please don’t get after the Nachoman for insensitivity. I do feel sorry for this girl. I mean, no one expects to die from what is today considered minor surgery. And, though I rail viciously at participants in Boca’s image-is-everything culture, I’m in no way suggesting that this poor girl’s death was appropriate karmic retribution. What I’m angry about is (a) parents and teenagers who feel that arranging for a high school student to have a boob job (or even to have a Lexus!) is an appropriate use of resources; and far, far worse, (b) fellow students who feel a need to DONATE MONEY to a family that makes such financial decisions. This is why other counties hate the USA… and why I hate Boca Raton.


What do Nutella, strawberries, and a duck have in common?
Alexandra Paressant is a “French Model” who claimed to have affairs with Ronaldino and Tony Parker. Multiple independent investigations of her claims show them to be fraudulent; and she herself is a fraud, with faked pictures on MySpace and even on her French national ID card. Dana Kennedy of The Huffington Post[8] did some excellent investigative reporting to expose this compulsive liar.

“Paressant … contacted [a website] with images of what she said were text messages from Parker and stories about their alleged sex life involving Nutella, strawberries and a ...duck.”

Now, how does the Nachoman find out about this sort of stuff? I read the Huffington Post, of course. Or, rather, (ahem) I read The Sports Guy, who linked to this story in early January. Read the entire article: Dana Kennedy: Tony Parker's French Fatal Attraction And Me - Entertainment on The Huffington Post


This week’s prize for “most inappropriate historical reference in a sports column”
…goes to Furman Bisher in his Atlanta Journal-Constitution blog:

“Money can change any habit. Eight springs ago the Mets and Cubs opened the season, not in Cincinnati. Guess where? Tokyo. That Tokyo, the guys who gave us Pearl Harbor. Some people don’t like you to bring that up, trade with Japan is so hot. But I’ve got a long memory. I saw what a few bombs can do to our property.”

Wow… how is it that sports journalists nationwide are spending hundreds of thousands of words whining about whether or not to be offended by imagery of LaBron James and Giselle Bundchen, while Mr. Bisher’s impolitic idiocy draws ire only from the clever gentlemen at firejoemorgan.com?[9]

Speaking of Mr. James and Ms. Bundchen

Thirty years ago a black guy would never have been allowed on the cover of Vogue whatsoever, let alone portrayed in an interracial embrace. Thirty years ago, this cover would have provoked foamed spittle from dangerous, powerful, and ignorant right-wing elements for its mere existence. Last week, this cover provoked foamed spittle from benign, impotent, and usually ignorant journalists who were desperate for something to fill out their columns. Charles Barkely is right – I wish “sports journalists” would stop opining about race and politics, and just stick to sports. Problem is, says Charles, they don’t know anything about sports to start with!


Broadcaster quotation of the week
"Prince Fielder, the largest vegetarian since stegosaurus, comes up to the plate."
-- ESPN.com's Jim Caple

Thanks to the Ribbie Reporter for passing that one along.


Speaking of the Ribbie Reporter…
Jacob Geiger, a.k.a. the Ribbie Reporter, sent along his opening day notes. I intended to write my yearly discussion of the Nachoman Quality Start (NQS) in this week’s column, but Mr. Reporter took care of that for me in his post. Check out his work on the previous post to this site.


Next Week
Burrito Girl keeps talking about getting a bunny. I hope she’s not also acquiring Nutella and strawberries.

NM

[1] Really. The Woodberry science building needs a new roof. Either that or a thorough renovation using TNT.
[2] Even Ronnie Belliard
[3] Although I know now that the game was tape delayed.
[4] Thus incurring the wrath of the Nachoman for delay of game.
[5] As distinct from Mr. Red, the *other* Reds mascot with the enormous baseball head. You can tell them apart because Mr. Redlegs has a mustache and a stripy red hat.
[6] At least for his first start
[7] i.e. eliminate not one of every ten, but NINE of every ten
[8] Whatever that is
[9] The Nachoman especially likes how the FJM folks included the label “Pearl Harbor the harbor not the movie” on this post.

Ribbie Reporter: Opening Day, and More

Note that the Ribbie Reporter’s Baseball Contest Picks are at the bottom of this post!

My thoughts on the Nachoman Quality Start
Somewhere at Woodberry Forest tonight, the Nachoman is fuming. Gil Meche, the Royals $11 million a year ace, is getting credit for what Major League baseball calls a “quality start.” Meche went six innings, giving up three runs on seven hits and four walks to the stacked Tigers lineup.[1] According to the Nachoman, throwing six innings while allowing three runs is hardly “quality.[2] Instead, he proposes the following guidelines, which he amended from earlier standards that expected pitchers to compile a game ERA under 3.00 to get the coveted NQS:

6+ innings while allowing one earned run of fewer.
7+ innings while allowing two earned runs or fewer.
8+ innings while allowing three earned runs or fewer.
9+ innings while allowing four earned runs or fewer.

Now, I’ll admit that Meche’s start was mostly mediocre. Walking four batters usually indicates that a pitcher doesn’t have his best stuff. However, look at that Tigers lineup. Does anyone really believe that they’re going to average fewer than five runs per game this year? In 2007 the American league as a whole had an ERA of 4.51, almost exactly what Meche had today. You could argue that average is not equal quality, and you’d have a good point.

I’ll close by offering a pearl of wisdom from Bill James (who CBS has apparently just discovered). James analyzed every MLB quality start (6 innings and three runs or less) from 1984-1991. He discovered that pitchers had a 1.91 ERA during the games in question. Yes, Gil Meche will get a cheap quality start for his efforts yesterday. But it’s worth considering James’s analysis. Most quality starts, apparently, aren’t as cheap as the Nachoman might think.

I will, however, offer my congratulations to the following pitchers who recorded a NQS on Opening Day:

* Jamie Shields, seven innings pitched, two earned runs allowed in a 6-2 Tampa Bay victory over Baltimore.

* Kevin Millwood of Texas, six innings pitched and no earned runs allowed, though he did give up two unearned runs and took the loss.

* Ben Sheets, 6.1 innings and no runs allowed against Carlos Zambrano, 6.2 innings and no runs allowed.[3]

* Livan Hernandez, seven innings pitched and two earned runs allowed against Milwaukee.

* Brad Penny, 6.2 innings and no runs allowed against San Francisco, my pick for the worst team in the MLB this year (though the Pirates will be reluctant to surrender that distinction).

* And the new Mr. Met, Johan Santana, who went seven innings and allowed two runs and made every Mets fan feel better. There’s nothing like Opening Day to make last fall’s heartbreaks fade a bit.

Oh, and one final note. Meche got a no decision, but the Royals won 5-4 in 11 innings. That, my friends, is one quality development nobody can argue with.


Opening week addendum, or “good pitching = brooms for Kansas City
Maybe I shouldn’t have wasted my breath on Opening Day. After defending the conventional “quality start” in my initial post, I sat back Wednesday and Thursday and watched Brian Bannister and Zack Greinke throw a pair of bonafide Nachoman Quality starts against that vaunted Detroit Tigers lineup (though Miguel Cabrera did miss the Greinke game with a quadriceps injury). Bannister continues to be living proof that good things happen when pitchers throw strikes, mix-up their pitches well and get ahead in the count. In the third innings, for example, Bannister started Pudge Rodriquez, Jacque Jones and Brandon Inge off with 0-2 counts and got all three out. Overall, he faced 22 batters and threw a first pitch strike to 14 of them. Bannister only allowed a pair of singles to Edgar Renteria, and both times he followed that up by coaxing a ground ball (though on one of those grounders the Royals only got a force out instead of the double play). Look, pitching to contact will never give you stats to match Johan Santana, but with a solid defense a pitcher can be very successful. Again, the key to Bannister’s outing was the way he worked inside and out, up in the zone and down, mixing fastballs with junk.

Greinke wasn’t quite as sharp, but even though he walked a pair of batters and allowed six hits, the only run came off a Brandon Inge homer.[4] He gets the NQS for throwing seven innings and looking good while he did it. Neither Greinke nor Bannister stuck out very many batters, as Bannister nailed four and Greinke three.

Regular readers know that the Nachoman and I have seen a lot of bad pitching in the last few years. He’s had to put up with Eric Milton. I’ve had to put up with “El Taco Grande”[5] and a host of other miserable pitchers in Kansas City. But Bannister and Greinke, when paired with Gil Meche, give the Royals a decent group of starters at the top of the rotation. Closer Joakim Soria continues the Royals decision to use a Rule V pick on him last year; he’s closed out each of our first three games in fine fashion.[6]

Over at the Great American Bandbox … I mean Ballpark, Johnny Cueto started his Major League career by taking a perfect game into the sixth inning. Justin Upton ended that with a home run, but that was the only hit Cueto gave up in seven innings. Might the two of us finally be treated to a season where we see our teams not give up football scores?

Finally, Alex Gordon punctuated the Royals sweep of the Tigers by hitting an opposite field home run deep into the left-center alley of Tiger Stadium[7] (I think the fence is about 385 at that spot). Yeah, I’d say he can hit a little bit. Now if only we could get him to stop striking out once every 2.5 at bats.

Coming up next time:
The Ribbie Reporter watches baseball instead of writing his end-of-term ethics paper and studying for his history exam. And coming up the week after that, he goes to Nicaragua. Sadly, winter ball is over and all of the great players are back in the States, so he probably won’t get to see a game while he’s there.

-- The Ribbie Reporter

Ribbie Reporter's Baseball Contest Picks:
THE BASICS (point value in parentheses)1. Which six teams will be division winners? (5 each)
-- Mets, Cubs, Rockies, Yankees, Indians and Mariners
2. Which two teams will win the wild cards? (5 each)-- Red Sox and Braves

3. Which two teams will go to the World Series? (15 each)-- Red Sox and Braves

4. Which team will win the World Series? (30)-- Braves

5. Which team will have the best regular-season record? (10)Yankees

6. Which team will have the worst regular-season record? (10)Orioles

7. Who will win the AL and NL Cy Young awards? (10 each)AL – Justin Verlander; NL – Johan Santana

8. Who will win the AL and NL MVP awards? (10 each)AL – Manny Ramirez NL – David Wright

9. Who will win the AL and NL Rookie of the Year awards? (10 each)
AL – Evan Longoria NL – Johnny Cueto

TEAMS (all remaining questions 10 points each. All questions include regular-season games only.)10. Which NL team will score the most runs? And which AL team? (5 points each)
Tigers and Rockies
11. Which NL team will give up the most runs? And which AL team? (5 points each)
Cardinals and Orioles
12. Which team will have the most-improved record, measured in increase in total regular-season victories?
Reds

13. Which team will suffer the biggest decline, measured in decrease in total regular-season victories?
Cardinals
14. Rank these teams in order of regular-season wins, most to fewest: Nationals, Pirates, Orioles, Devil Rays, Royals.
Most-fewest: Nationals, Royals, Devil Rays, Pirates, Orioles

INDIVIDUALS (Asterisk denotes partial credit will be given.)15. Which manager will be first to no longer be managing his team (whether fired, retired, resigned or otherwise not managing) in 2008?
Bob Geren
16. Who will be the highest-salaried player (based on 2008 salary) released or traded?
C.C. Sabathia (traded)
17. Which starting pitcher who’s changed teams (a group that includes Johan Santana and Dontrelle Willis) will earn the most wins?
Santana
18. Will anyone reach the 20-20-20-20 threshold (in doubles, triples, home runs and stolen bases) that Curtis Granderson and Jimmy Rollins reached last year? If yes, who?
Rollins will repeat.
19. How many home runs will Barry Bonds hit?*
0

WE’RE CURIOUS20. Will average television ratings for the World Series go up or down from last year’s 10.6?
Down

[1] Check the box score for full details of this beastly Detroit lineup.
[2] Moss Klein of The Sporting News has also raised this argument in years past.
[3] Though Kerry Wood and Erik Gagne each gave up three runs during the ninth inning.
[4] What’s the under/over on the number of positions Inge plays this year? I predict five: CF, 3b, LF, RF and C. He’s already got the first two in the bag.
[5] Known on lineup cards as Runelvys Hernandez.
[6] The Rule V draft lets teams select players from other organizations who are not on the protected “40-man” roster. Once selected, the player must spend the entire next season in the big leagues. If the player is demoted, then his old club has the option of demanding him back. And no, I have no idea how this system developed.
[7] I don’t feel like calling it “Comerica Park” or whatever the heck it’s named.

Nachoman's picks -- please forget these before October 1.

Last week, I asked all of the Nachoman's readers to enter The Daily Fix's baseball contest. Here are my own picks. (Though I made that Brewers pick before I recalled their pickup of Eric Gagne with a spoon. Oops.)

Don't forget, new column coming Friday...

THE BASICS (point value in parentheses)
1. Which six teams will be division winners? (5 each)
Mets, Brewers, D-backs, Red Sox, Tigers, Angels

2. Which two teams will win the wild cards? (5 each)
Braves, Yankees (ugh)

3. Which two teams will go to the World Series? (15 each)
Tigers, Braves

4. Which team will win the World Series? (30)
Braves

5. Which team will have the best regular-season record? (10)
Mets

6. Which team will have the worst regular-season record? (10)
Marlins

7. Who will win the AL and NL Cy Young awards? (10 each)
AL: B. Webb, J. Lackey


8. Who will win the AL and NL MVP awards? (10 each)
J. Reyes, A. Rodriguez

9. Who will win the AL and NL Rookie of the Year awards? (10 each)
Votto (this Reds fan hopes), Buchholz


TEAMS (all remaining questions 10 points each. All questions include regular-season games only.)
10. Which NL team will score the most runs? And which AL team? (5 points each)
Phillies, Yankees


11. Which NL team will give up the most runs? And which AL team? (5 points each)
Marlins, Devil Rays

12. Which team will have the most-improved record, measured in increase in total regular-season victories?
Tampa


13. Which team will suffer the biggest decline, measured in decrease in total regular-season victories?
Cardinals

14. Rank these teams in order of regular-season wins, most to fewest: Nationals, Pirates, Orioles, Devil Rays, Royals.
Rays, Gnats, Pirates, Royals, Orioles


INDIVIDUALS (Asterisk denotes partial credit will be given.)
15. Which manager will be first to no longer be managing his team (whether fired, retired, resigned or otherwise not managing) in 2008?
Charlie Manuel

16. Who will be the highest-salaried player (based on 2008 salary) released or traded?
Pettite


17. Which starting pitcher who’s changed teams (a group that includes Johan Santana and Dontrelle Willis) will earn the most wins?
Santana


18. Will anyone reach the 20-20-20-20 threshold (in doubles, triples, home runs and stolen bases) that Curtis Granderson and Jimmy Rollins reached last year? If yes, who?
Rollins again

19. How many home runs will Barry Bonds hit?*
zero

WE’RE CURIOUS
20. Will average television ratings for the World Series go up or down from last year’s 10.6?
down (4 hour games that start at 9:30 p.m. won't get many viewers outside of Boston)

A Season of Nachodom Awaits

Welcome back for the fourth year of Nachoman’s Baseball. As all regular readers know, the Nachoman specializes in analysis of actual baseball games. But, since I will not dignify exhibitions with any kind of serious analysis, preseason columns tend to digress into basketball, sports television, and the boulder in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

First things first – two months ago, the Nachoman attended the Harry Wendelstedt Umpire School. If you’re wondering what that experience was like, take a look at this series of posts, starting January 1 and finishing in early February.

Next, for those of you new to Nachodom, each regular contributor to the column has a theme name bestowed upon him or her. If you are confused as to who’s who, please refer to the chart in a follow-up post.

And finally, please expect regular Friday articles until I feel like stopping. Tell your friends about the site. Spam Bill Simmons until he “pimps” my column. Spread the Nachoman experience.

So…. This week begins with…

Tommy gets feisty, to the general amusement of all
Weight-loss pitchman Tommy Lasorda took over as manager of the leftover Dodgers… One part of the Dodgers spring squad, along with manager Joe Torre, headed to China for an exhibition series. Those who were not assigned to make the trip remained in Vero Beach, Florida’s “Dodgertown” to play normal Grapefruit League exhibitions. Mr. Lasorda was appointed as a crowd pleaser; the Dodgers hoped that the presence of a demigod might distract the residents of Vero from their disgust that the team will be ending their six-decade-old relationship with the town.[1]

Anyway, in only the second inning of Mr. Lasorda’s first game, he bolted up from the bench to holler at plate umpire Damien Beal, provoking ecstasy from the crowd. Never mind that even the LA Times pointed out that Mr. Beal’s call was obviously correct, never mind that Mr. Lasorda couldn’t hide a huge grin as he was escorted back to the dugout by the umpires’ crew chief… the fans got the show they paid to see.

Now, you’re probably expecting me to give Mr. Lasorda a dose of Nachoman heck, right? After all, I’m a notorious defender of umpires, and a professionally-trained umpire myself. But you’re wrong. Consider the game from Mr. Beal’s perspective. Mr. Beal, 35 years old, has worked in the minor leagues since 1996. Twelve years of toil MAY, possibly, in the next 1-3 years, pay off with a major league job… or, maybe not.

But, whatever else happens with his career, Mr. Beal will be able to tell his grandchildren that he argued with Tommy Lasorda. That’s a career-defining moment. In a good way.

Randy Johnson Baseball: Revenge of the Birds is also under development

Looking for a cool new computer game that doesn’t involve gruesome, violent death? Check out Crayon Physics Deluxe, a time-waster in the best tradition of Minesweeper or Tetris, but even more addictive – I was enraptured just watching the video, so I can’t imagine how I would ever stop playing the actual game itself.

In other video game news, the Atlanta Cracker forwarded to me an article from Slate Magazine detailing some new offerings. Slate denigrated the ever-more-graphic but ever-more-realistic shoot-‘em-up games, but noted that independent designers have gained traction in the market now that an individual can in fact distribute a game over the internet. My favorite new idea:

“There are many games based on the exploits of Indiana Jones, but Purho's version is the only one that tells the story from the boulder's point of view, letting players control the rampaging sphere and smoosh wave after wave of attacking archeologists.”

This guy earns seven figures for being a football expert
I do have a measure of respect for Tony Kornheiser, who (with Michael Wilbon) practically invented the modern sports television genre of “men shouting at each other emphatically.” Granted, most of their imitators should be banished to the nether reaches of heck, along with television producers and executives who think that, just because the public enjoys Tony and Mike, all sports shows must involve buffoonery and hyperbolic opinion reported as fact. But I will admit to downloading the PTI podcast on a daily basis. Mr. Kornheiser parlayed his fame into a seat alongside Mike Tirico in the Monday Night Football broadcast booth. Yet Mr. Kornheiser should be ashamed to call himself a “football analyst” after his aside on a recent PTI show.

He quoted a blurb about the contract of Pittsburgh Steelers guard Alan Faneca, a seven-time pro bowler. Mr. Faneca is perhaps one of the three or four offensive linemen best known to the casual fan, likely because of his awesome work in the 2006 playoffs and Super Bowl blocking for Jerome Bettis and protecting Ben Rothlisberger.

Immediately after mentioning Mr. Faneca, Mr. Kornheiser said “I hope I pronounced that right.”

My goodness, that’s actually much worse than the president of the United States referring to nucular energy… what is Mr. Kornheiser doing to earn the money ESPN pays him? Apparently not any kind work to familiarize himself with the NFL.

Maybe my next column should come with a downloadable certificate of authenticity
As is the magazine’s tradition, mere moments after the Giants won the Super Bowl, Sports Illustrated commercials emerged offering a New York Giants championship commerative football as an enticement to new subscribers. This football comes with a panel listing the scores for all of the Giants games this year.[2]

It also comes with a “certificate of authenticity.” Um, what does that mean? SI certifies that this is a genuine football-shaped object? That these are the authentic scores from the authentic 2007 Giants season? Or, that it’s an authentic mass produced piece of pretend memorabilia?

Headlines: Blind Squirrel Finds Nut, CBS Basketball Broadcast Earns Praise
When’s the last time you heard a matter-of-fact basketball analyst who didn’t use hyperbole, who consistently shut up when his play-by-play man needed to give information, whose tone was never one of self-promotion, who talked about basketball rather than about players’ and coaches’ personal lives? When’s the last time you heard a television play-by-play guy who named every player who took a shot or committed a foul?

Answer: when Ian Eagle and Jim Spanarkel did an outstanding job with the March 9 Florida-Kentucky game. Sure, it’s sad that merely fulfilling the basic covenant of broadcasting merits such over-the-top praise. But I will give credit where it’s due. Here’s hoping that Mssrs. Eagle and Spanarkel do some NCAA tournament work.

I didn’t think this ever happened outside the world of cartoons
The Nachoboy actually stepped on a garden rake, causing the handle to pop up and hit him in the nose, Sideshow Bob-style. The poor boy didn’t understand why I was laughing while his nose hurt.

An active lawsuit made for much more interesting news, thank you very much.
Remember the slimeball lawyer who filed suit against the Patriots for cheating in the Super Bowl against the Rams? Every sports media outlet in America reported that juicy story prominently. However, as far as I can see, only USA Today spotlighted the AP story about the slimeball lawyers withdrawing their suit. [Follow-up: si.com put it up in small type on their front page a day later.]

In the absence of baseball games to discuss…
Folks, I am a certified Kentucky Basketball fan. Thus, I wince every time I even hear discussion of Christian Laettner’s miracle shot in 1992. In fact, when I checked the previous link to be sure it worked, I averted my eyes from the video. I don’t know why anyone would watch such filth.

Yet, the Laettner shot lives on as the standard for a full-court end-of-game miracle. Even though Bryce Drew hit an even more miraculous shot for Valparaiso six years after Laettner, Duke-Kentucky seems to live longer in the country’s collective sports memory. There are good reasons for this. Mr. Laettner’s shot won the regional final, while Mr. Drew’s shot won a mere first-round game. Duke ended up winning the national championship in 1992, while Valpo fizzled out. Duke beat Kentucky, a team with memorable history, a team that was going places under Rick Pitino, a team that had risen from the ashes of NCAA probation after the evil Eddie Sutton escaped Lexington with tar and feathers still stuck to his back; I’ll send a Nachoman business card to anyone who can, without internet assistance, name the team that Mr. Drew slew with his shot.

I thus categorize the Duke-Kentucky game as more significant, more historic, more relevant to the national sports consciousness. But, the Valpo ending included a better shot which must be described as more miraculous.[3]

Other than to pick at an old wound, my point is to describe the awesome ending to the Minnesota-Indiana game in the Big 10 tournament. Blake Hoffarber hit a Christian Laettner shot, except it was better than the Laettner shot.

Minnesota-Indiana: The Summary
I worked this game for STATS. My preference was to see ex-Kentucky coach Tubby Smith knock off the University of Naïveté.[4] However, since I was keeping stats, my primary rooting interest was to avoid overtime. When Indiana’s Eric Gordon got to the free throw line with just a few seconds left, I cheered wildly for him to miss at least one shot, as his team was down two points. Woo-hoo, he missed the first.

Thus the extra-low-percentage, desperate tactic was set up, requiring Mr. Gordon to deliberately miss the free throw and hope for a long rebound that could be tipped in. That never works. Unless, that is, the Minnesota players inexplicably allow no fewer than two Indiana players to outleap them by several feet. It was DJ White who tipped in the tying basket with less than 3 seconds left… and got fouled in the process. At the time I looked at the foul as my salvation: now I cheered wildly for Mr. White to make his free throw to win the game.

Mr. White missed, but garnered his own rebound.[5] He got fouled again, this time with 1.4 seconds showing on the clock. Now with two chances to win the game, he missed the first free throw (aarrgh!) but hit the second. Minnesota called time out, down by 1, to “set up” a play.[6]

Travis Busch threw a long pass. Right-handed Blake Hoffarber somehow caught it over two defenders, landed facing away from the basket, turned, heaved with his left hand… swish. And there was much rejoicing.

Other interesting periphery
AWESOME… The Big 10 network had a camera over Tubby Smith’s huddle during the final timeout. We could see everything he wrote! Unfortunately, I couldn’t decipher what he was planning. But kudos to the network for giving viewers some actual insight into a team’s strategy, even if that strategy boiled down to “clasp your hands together and pray really, really hard.”

NOT Awesome… the last 5 seconds took several geologic epochs to play, with timeout following upon timeout. On one occasion the officials took two minutes to correct a two-second timing discrepancy. (My objection isn’t that the officials made the correction… my objection is that they took so dang long to do so.) Similarly, the officials reviewed the last-second shot to be sure it beat the buzzer. Okay, no problem there… even though the shot seemed obviously good, a quick look at the replay can’t hurt to be sure. But the review took several minutes! I mean, how hard is it to look at the first replay that the Big 10 network showed, see the ball released and the red light go on with the ball in the air, and end the game? What were they looking at? This is why I hate replay.

LIGHTNING STRIKING TWICE… Mr. Hoffarber is no stranger to last-second miracle shots. The Big 10 network showed a clip of him making a tying three-point buzzer-beater to send his high school state championship game to overtime: He was on his arse near the sideline, the ball fell in his hands, and he lofted a prayer that swished.

KUDOS FOR THE HISTORICAL REFERENCE: Mr. Busch, on his reaction after the Hoffarber shot swished: “I went nuts. I was like Jim Valvano looking for someone to hug.” Mr. Busch was -5 years old when Mr. Valvano’s NC State team beat Houston because Hakeem didn’t box out.

Epilogue
The Big Ten network, who otherwise did a masterful job covering this game, sent their cheerleader-shaped sideline reporter to interview Tubby Smith and Blake Hoffarber after the game. What dumb questions she asked… “How did you do it?” “What was going through your mind as you hit the shot?” “How do you bring the momentum tomorrow?”

Come on! Ask them whether they practice that play. Ask them if there was any design to the play, and if so, if the play went as planned. Ask them how often they actually hit shots like that in practice. Ask about the poor boxing out on the free throw rebound that allowed Indiana to tie, making the miracle shot necessary in the first place. Or even ask Mr. Hoffarber to compare this shot to his high school title game shot. So many better questions. Maybe I could be a sideline reporter if I got a boob job and a lobotomy.



A cultural perspective on the phenomenon of baseball celebrity worship[7]
The first major league baseball “game” was played in China in mid-March. In a tribute to the leadership of Alan “Bud” Selig, the exhibition ended in a 3-3 tie. Dodgers starter and Korean folk hero Chan Ho Park gave up one run in five solid innings.

After the game, Mr. Park was mobbed by a, um, mob of Koreans begging for an autograph. However, in a move seemingly worthy of George Wallace, a long line of Chinese police linked arms and formed a wall between Mr. Park and his fans. Much shouting ensued, Mr. Park begged unsuccessfully to meet the autograph seekers, some folks began to shove, the police wouldn’t budge, things started to look bad. Someone from major league baseball seemed to negotiate a compromise, by which the crowd would disperse but leave items to be brought to Mr. Park to sign later. (You can guess as to whether Mr. Park ever received those items.) “The important thing was that nobody got hurt and nobody was embarrassed, not the Chinese, and not baseball,” said the Chinese security official on the scene.

Sounds really, really bad, right? Sounds like clear evidence that China is a police state where personal freedoms are tromped upon, with a heavy shot of racism thrown in to boot.

But hold on, now… it just doesn’t make sense that China, who has recently proven quite adept at importing international sports money (see World Cup 2002, Olympics 2008), would risk alienating the world’s third- or fourth- most powerful sports league in order to strong-arm a few Koreans. Let’s make an attempt to strip away the veil of American culture, and try to figure out what happened from the Chinese perspective. I asked Woodberry Chinese professor Scott Navitsky, who has lived and studied extensively in China, to help me out here.

First of all, as the original Yahoo article and Mr. Navitsky confirm, the phenomenon of the autograph seeker is rather foreign to Chinese culture. Americans see worshipful fans who want nothing but a signature and perhaps one of Chan Ho’s used hankies, while the Chinese police likely saw what they thought was a dangerous mob who might eat Mr. Park.

Secondly, within Chinese state bureaucracy, initiative by lower-level entities is not encouraged. The late Stephen Ambrose, in his writings about American participation in the second World War, noted the US army’s expectation that small-squad leaders (i.e. sergeants and corporals) were encouraged by their commanders to make independent decisions where appropriate. A similar attitude permeates American culture today – it is expected that a mid-level employee has some level of ability to use discretion in the execution of his or her duties. The excuse “sorry, I have to follow orders to the letter” is met with derision. Not so across the Pacific.

Paraphrasing Mr. Navitsky, these Chinese policemen likely lived in fear of an “embarrassing incident.” Had anything, however minor, happened to Mr. Park, the policemen would have been held accountable in a serious way. Orders, issued from very high up the bureaucratic chain, were to protect the ballplayers. A man-on-the-scene who countermanded those orders would have been punished, even if his decision turned out to be useful.

Furthermore, Mr. Navitsky rejected the thought that racism might have been a motivation in the incident. There is not particularly bad blood between Koreans and Han Chinese, especially in Beijing where Koreans make up a small but economically significant minority. More to the point, he suggests that had the crazy fans been Chinese, they might well have earned worse treatment from the police, who would have had no worries about creating an international incident.

Mr. Torre, how will you bring the momentum to China?
Someone in the American reporter pool actually asked Dodgers manager Joe Torre a clever if tangential question: “Which is more imposing, the Great Wall of China or the Green Monster?” According to the LA Times, Mr. Torre (or his speechwriters) responded, "depends on if you're a pitcher or a hitter, I guess."

And Finally, What Pricks…
Burrito Girl is taking a course at the Richmond, VA arts center on spinning.[8] Her goal is to obtain some pet bunnies, pet them, and make yarn out of their fur.

She has to sign a legal waiver, absolving the arts center of all liability should she come to bodily harm during her class. What do they think’s gonna happen, she’s gonna prick her finger and go to sleep for 100 years?

Next Week…
An introduction to the NachoGrandpa’s retirement pastimes. Tune in on Friday.

[1] “What could I do?” says Dodgers owner Frank McCourt. “They.. drove a dump truck full of money up to my house.”
[2] Presumably including the 41-17 demolition at the hands of the Vikings last November, but you never know.
[3] And, because Valpo executed the hook-and-lateral to get Mr. Drew an open shot, their “miracle” didn’t depend on poor Kentucky defense.
[4] Indiana hired Kelvin Sampson as coach despite the fact that he had lied about recruiting violations at Oklahoma. Of course, Mr. Sampson subsequently committed similar violations at Indiana, and lied about them, too; Indiana had to pay close to a million dollars to be rid of Mr. Sampson. Good to hear that the taxpayers of Indiana are being so well served by the administrators of their university.
[5] This guy is good.
[6] I still think there’s a good bit of coach’s hubris involved in “setting up” a full-court shot with 1.4 seconds to go. I mean, either you practiced a set piece for this occasion (like the Valparaiso hook-and-lateral), or you didn’t. If you did practice, all the coach needs to say is “run that play.” If you didn’t practice, it seems that the players are as capable as the coach of diagramming “throw a long pass, catch it, and shoot.” I’d be interested to hear from basketball players and coaches as to what could possibly be drawn up on the spur of the moment in a Laettner-type situation. Tubby Smith later told USA Today that he was hoping to draw a foul – a strategy which hardly requires a basketball Ph.D. to implement.
[7] Details of the incident described can be found in this Steve Henson article
[8] No, not “spinning” as practiced on stationary bikes in steamy rooms while an overly perky and vigorous woman shouts into a headset. Spinning as in spinning wool into yarn.