Which of the following is not based on a true story?

(A) Ox suspended for mustache theft

(B) Inmate breaks out of jail, steals cigarettes, breaks back in

(D) Grow tomatoes upside-down without backbreaking work!

(C) Woman drives motorcycle, man hangs on behind her

Answers:

(A) True Story: At the Utah State / New Mexico State basketball game in the WAC semifinals, a (presumably) drunken fan offered USU mascot “Big Blue” $100 for the mustache of NMSU mascot “Pistol Pete.” Mr. Blue stole the mustache, and got throttled for his efforts. Much public gnashing of teeth followed, the large blue ox was banishéd from the tournament final, and the ill-gotten $100 was donated to a local charity. But, I have a feeling that Big Blue won’t have to buy his own milk for a while at Utah bars.

You can read the Associated Press story here, and marvel that the spokesbeings for both schools were named “Tiffany.”

(B) True Story: In Georgia,* a 25 year old inmate, in the pokey on drug charges, broke out of jail through an unlocked door. He burgled a local convenience store, taking 14 packs of cigarettes, and then returned to prison. He was arrested upon arriving back at jail. (How is it possible to arrest someone who is trying to get into jail?)

The best version of the story – just 74 words long, with a pithy comment appended – can be read here via Fox News.

(C) True Story, or at least true enough for advertising purposes. During some basketball game or other Burrito Girl and I saw a commercial for an upside-down vegetable grower. You can take a look at the infomercial at hangingtomato.com. The claim is that by watering and feeding the plant directly on the roots, the plant will “explode” downward and fruit without “backbreaking work.” If you look at the pictures, though, you’ll notice that someone has carefully swept up all of the detritus that fell out of the planter onto the ground.

I was actually going to buy one for the NachoGrandma, who extols the virtues of home grown tomatoes despite the fact that she has actually, personally harvested precisely three tomatoes in the past three decades. The device would allow her to grow a tomato plant on her second story balcony. However, the actual price is not just $20, but $36, when shipping costs are included. Too rich for my blood.

(D) No way in heck. Our trip to Florida must have coincided with Bike Week, as motocyclists were converging on Daytona Beach from all directions. Most of these bikers were helmetless; many consisted of a man driving with a woman hanging on behind him. The USA may have sent a man to the moon, may have a black president and a female secretary of state, but I will not truly believe in social progress until I see a man hanging on behind a woman on a motorcycle.


Duke - Carolina
El Molé says that if Duke wins the ACC championship to tie Carolina for the most conference titles in history, “Duke’s fans will become insufferable.” That’s funny, the way he talks about Duke fans, they reached that stage long ago. (“How would we tell?” El Molé commented a moment after his statement sunk in.)

I’m moderately neutral, but leaning toward UNC, in this heated rivalry. Why leaning toward Carolina? Aside from the fact that El Molé wouldn’t consent to appearing in this column if I leaned the other way? Well, it is MUCH more fun to tweak a Duke fan than a Carolina fan.

I briefly mentioned the two missed traveling calls on Duke a few weeks ago, video of which made all the sports blogs, to Duke alumnus and squash afficianado Bill Robertson. He went on a rant, with footnotes, about how Duke does not actually get more than their share of calls. He went on to wonder why people keep thinking that Duke is favored by the refs.

Well, fellow squasher Paul Deigl answered that one for us… “Very few people REALLY believe that Duke gets an unfair advantage. But we love watching the Duke folks get so defensive!”

Hey, ESPN, I pay for high definition and a large television for a reason.
In one of the worst gimicks ever to grace sports coverage, ESPN decided during an ACC tournament game to split the screen. On the right side, we saw the NC State coach squatting, gesticulating, and generally exhorting his charges. On the left, shrunk to about 1/4 the screen, we saw the actual basketball game going on.

My issue goes even beyond my tired old complaint to broadcast networks to just show the dang game. (The Nachoman thinks that in their quest for sports emmys and simmilar awards, TV producers ignore their primary mission of game coverage to show off how awesome the TV producer can be.) Not only did ESPN break their covenant with their audience (again), they did so to show a coach's antics. A separate Nachoman thesis states that brilliant coaching is far rarer than the sports media would have us believe. And, a good coach can simply let his players play on game day -- his players should be so well trained that gesticulation and exhortation are unnecessary! Yet, ESPN contributed to the :cult of the coach" by showing coaches' antics as if they were important. No, folks, the game is about the players, not the coaches. Maybe if university trustees recognized this fact then Pete Caroll and Jim Calhoun might be making closer to my salary, and about 1000 more poor but smart folks would be attending USC and UConn.

Next week:

I get El Molé and Bill Robertson together to debate the quality of coach K’s hairpiece.


*Of course. Don’t all humorous prison stories take place in the Southeast, where it’s additionally considered appropriate to sing a country song about the event?