The Krispy Kreme Challenge

The crowd gathered. Visceral screaming erupted as the ringmaster introduced the reigning champion. Loud guffaws and boos greeted the challenger. The atmosphere was as at an illegal armadillo fighting ring. It was time for the Krispy Kreme Challenge.

You see, every baseball umpire takes pride in his unique call for strike three. Here at Umpire School, we are not generally allowed to demonstrate such style. All strike calls, including strike three, must be done the same way, with the same straightforward voice. This frustrates some students, who yearn for the opportunity not to say “strike three!” but to say “Haw! Yeee-arrgh!” with associated hand and body motions.

In order to satisfy these primal urges, each Saturday morning we stage a contest. Two students are appointed to demonstrate their best, most stylistic strike three techniques. The winner, determined by popular acclaim, earns control of a large box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Students gather round, mosh pit style, while the participants make their moves.[1] Last week, CJ the Crazy Braves Fan demolished New York’s Own Abraham Caraballo, primarily because Abraham’s voice broke into the soprano register while he punctuated his call. This week, CJ took the stage to defend his title.

[1] Side bets are not allowed, but the atmosphere nearly demands them.

Now, it didn’t matter who the challenger was, the match might as well have been fixed. CJ’s winning call provoked shouts and whoops from the crowning crowd.

CJ just about dropped the donuts as he left the stage victorious.